26 July 2011

~What once was~Why we don't need to know the future.....

The last few days have felt like a week.
My body has been in a mini Flare I guess.
Maybe it's the heat.
Maybe it's the moon.
Maybe it's because I had put together a whole week
of feeling good.
Or rather, feeling good for having Fibro.
Who knows.
It hit me last Wednesday.
That *out-of-body*, icky feeling,
muscles full of relenting pain, spasms,
*my brain can't connect*
kinda Flare.

I either sleep for 15 hours straight.
Or, I don't sleep for 48 hours straight.
Either way, it ain't helping my
Fibro Fog!

I have been by to visit many of you.
But, I may not have left a chatty comment.
Seems my fingers are having a hard time also.
Listening to my brain, that is.
And those fingers, being attached to my hands,
just seem frozen
Typing this, is gonna take a while.
I sure do *heart* spell check!

Now, before you get all
*she sure is whiny for a Tuesday*
~sly grin~
This is not a whiny post.
This is a lovey post.

About my guy, J.
My guy J who attends school full-time.
My guy who gets up at 4:30a.m.
each morning.
And is out the door to head to the Big City.
And after a day of exercising his brain,
he braves late afternoon
Big City traffic to return home.
I'm sure as he crosses the bridge over the
Little Tennessee River, and as he views
his mountains in the distance,
he breathes a sigh of relief
begins making a mental list of all his *to-do's*!
Farm and horsey *to-do's*.
Around the house *to-do"s*.
Most evenings he isn't finished until dark.
And dark in the summertime is bedtime for many!

Three years ago, I was a lot more help than I am now.
Heck, a year ago I was more help.
But, these days I have to rely on J a lot more than I care to admit.
On my really icky days, there are a multitude
of *to-do's* on my list, that fall to J.
And he never complains.
At least not out loud...

after being in sweltering heat and humidity,
a day of feeding, turning out,
(five grouchy, cranky, hot horses!)
 mucking stalls,
mending fences (Oh, that devil angel, Annie!),
hauling hay and straw to the barn,
cleaning water troughs,
filling up feed bins,
hosing off four grateful horses,
and one antsy filly,
putting the newly sharpened blades back on the riding mower
cutting grass, and
working on the truck~
He did our grocery shopping.
He brought me a Mocha Frappe from McDs,
(it was either that or lobster, i was craving. i didn't get the lobster)
He did two loads of laundry.
He made dinner for us himself.
(i slurped my Frappe)
He finished a chapter of homework.
He let the pups out for a run.
He got his coffee ready for the a.m.
He kissed me goodnight and went to bed.
I was still awake when his alarm chimed 4:30a.m.
And there I sat.
Still unable to sleep.

I could choose to mourn the *old me*
I could choose to wallow in the grief of
*what things used to be like*
The me who got up at 5 a.m. and went 'til dark.
The me who used to work 16 hours a day in the horse biz.
The me who jumped at the chance
to do something spontaneous.
Like getting married.
To J.
Because it was very spontaneous!

Had I already been dealing with
chronic illness when we met and fell in love~
well, I am not quite sure I would have wanted to burden him.
I think we all would feel that way.

And that is why knowing the future is
something none of us need to know.
The good, bad, the ugly, the mundane.

Life just needs to skip along.
And if we are lucky enough, we get to skip through Life
holding the hand of the person the future chose for us.

And eat a little lobster along the way.....


*This is my response to "Luke",
who emailed me about whether or not he should make a life-long
commitment of marriage. He was just diagnosed
with a Chronic Illness.
And "Luke" is worried for what the future holds...
I say, "Go for It!"
This is just my little opinion, Luke!


TexWisGirl said...

knowing the future would stop most of us in our tracks, i think. better to forge ahead with faith and hope. :)

Deb said...

I think Luke should go for it too. You never know what tomorrow holds and it would be a terrible thing to pass up love. That J is a stand up guy.

I hope you get to feeling better Misha!

Laura said...

You caused me to do some powerful thinking, Misha! And I always thought I'd have wanted to know what the future held, but you're right. There are many things that I'd not have done had I known what was in store.

Maura @ Lilac Lane Cottage said...

Good Morning Misha!
Hmm...I'm torn. In one way I think I'd want to know the future...if it was something I could change for the better. On the other hand if it wasn't something I could change especially health-wise..I think I'd rather not know. You made a wonderful choice in your J...and he in you. I hope today is a better one for you.
Maura :)

Sheryl and Denny said...

Life is short and we should live it to the fullest. Knowing the future would keep us pondering on that instead of living for today and making the most of that moment. J sounds like an awesome man. Hope tomorrow finds you feeling better. Good advise for Luke as well.......

Lucy said...

I have never ever felt any of your posts to be "whiney". So that word is just stricken from the English language. If anyone is going to have a whiney title, it is moi. I whine all the time about my life and I do not have a health matter that gets me down. :) Come on out and we'll counsel each other in the pool.

Growing Up A Country Girl said...

Misha - a very touching entry. Thank you!

missing moments said...

Forge ahead! Never let the unknown hold ya back!

Rural Revival said...

I agree, the future and the past have their place, but the present is just that...a present.

Lovely post my dear! And that's a great guy you have there. : )


PS. Just how spontaneous was it??

Betsy from Tennessee said...

Your hubby loves you for better and for worse. He understands and loves doing things for you. Just relax, do what you can and don't feel guilty. You didn't ask for these changes in your life. That just happened. We all just have to make the best of what happens to us...

You are one lucky lady ---and he is a lucky man...

God Bless You BOTH.

Mrs.B said...

I love this & I hope today is a good one for you.

Angella Lister said...

J is a good man, and he knows he is married to a good woman. it goes both ways. we do what we can. and we show love. feel better, friend.

Karen said...

Well said, Misha. Great post, words of wisdom... what texswis girl said, too. :-)

Good advice for your friend too. Forge ahead!....

Seven Gates Farm said...

We all hope we have someone there to watch our backs and pick us up when we can't. Sounds like you have that in J.

Lynne said...

I love your writing, photos and the imagery you bring about in what you have to say. It makes you an artist and I enjoy you very much.

ZAP away flare. Cooler weather on the way.

I sent you a message in a recent post. Let me know when you find it.

Hugs dear lady . . .

Joycee said...

If I'd have known that there would be heartache with some of the decisions I'd made, if I'd could go back and change anything... I wouldn't. Because this happened because of that, and that happened because of this... and the outcome might have prevented me from getting to HERE, I love where I am now but it was very. hard. work. J is a keeper, you already knew that didn't you?

Country Dreaming said...

Hopefully this bout will subside soon. J is a great guy--you pick well.

Take Care!


Linda said...

What a man! Now such a person in your life is something to be very grateful for, but I am sure he is also quite grateful for you Misha.

I can relate to flare-ups. They really do suck! Plus, it is frustrating to be incapacitated for a day or two. Feel better soon I hope.

Joyce Ann said...

It is amazing to me when I find someone who can describe the "state" of pain. It is so hard to describe the fog , the confusion it causes. I hope your flare up is short, short, short. What would we do without our strong hearted spouses. I feel such guilt that mine carries such a heavy load and must curtail so many adventures because I just can't go there. Feel better soon.

Samantha said...

What a very Good Man. You're blessed, and it's wonderful that you know it! :)

Ann On and On... said...

None of us have a magic ball, but we all know what's in our hearts. He loves you for you....good days and bad.

You are both lucky to have love.

(What a great post. What a great man.)

I hope you are feeling better. xo

ain't for city gals said...

Since my dad has been diagnosed with lung cancer I always think about are you better off knowing or not knowing what the future will bring....I still haven't decided.

Amy said...

Hello Misha dear, I am finally back!! You know this is the second post I´ve read today that has talked about lobster- yáll know how to make a girl hungry don´t you?? hehehehe...How do you like your lobster? With lots of butter or in a roll with some mayonaise? Or some other way I can´t think of??

So sorry to hear your body is acting up again. Had hoped to check in and hear things were good...I hope this flare up won´t be very long. You have a great man in J but he has a great woman in you...don´t ever forget it. When people get married part of the commitment you make to each other is to love through sickness and in health...because there are no garauntees a marriage will be nothing but smooth sailing but by taking those marriage vows, you are assured the person you are marrying knows they are in it not just for the good times but the bad times too...sometimes it is the hard parts of a marriage, the not so good times that bring you closer and strengthen you as a couple.
I hope you have a wonderful Saturday my friend, thinking of you and wishing you a speedy recovery (or at least that you get over this flare up quickly)
Big hugs from Norway :-)))

Julie Harward said...

Hi Misha, thanks for your visit. Sorry you have not been well, that has got to be so tough! I'd say you may the right choice in your J, he's a keeper. I am glad you have such a beautiful place to be everyday. Take care. :D

(GBS) NewsFromTheHill said...

Well I guess I'm the last to post, but I'm catching up after a week away from the computer.
Darn, I'm sorry that you are feeling bad again!
But I was touched by your tribute to the love you and J share! Though I might have had a heart attack when he was leaning off the scenic view!

Kerry said...

Enjoy every day. I have a wonderful DH and I appreciate all his help as do you. Sometimes I bring him flowers, sometimes I make dinner. Once in a while we have martini's. You have to make time to smell the roses.
I love your blog, everything about it.

Flat Creek Farm said...

Oh Misha, I'm late to tell you that I hope you feel better. And I certainly hope you are better.. much better, by now! Hugs!! -Tammy